Setting Healthy Boundaries
One of the secrets to a healthy and happy life are the boundaries you manage to set with yourself and your loved ones. Despite how happy or functional a family or friend group may seem, sometimes we find that setting boundaries with our loved ones is harder than expected.
It’s not easy to stand up to those who we know well and care about, but if their behavior impacts our mental health, solid boundaries are an important part of maintaining balance. Here are a few things to consider when setting boundaries with your loved ones:
Recognize and Prioritize Your Needs
We often neglect our own needs in favor of what the people we love might need – some believe that prioritizing their own needs is “selfish”. If that describes you, please reconsider what “selfish” refers to…in essence it is about someone who has no consideration for others, is solely focused on themselves, and willing to compromise someone else’s needs for their own gain.
Opposite of selfish is “selfless” – and though the idea of being focused on tending to others is generally considered a positive thing (for all involved), in extremes this can be harmful and problematic. This is where self-care comes in, finding the balance of tending to your own needs while recognizing how your decisions affect others. One way of looking at it is that if your own needs are not being met, you will not be able to show up for others at your full potential. If you’ve flown in a commercial airplane before, you may have heard the flight attendants state that if the oxygen masks are needed, it is imperative that you put yours on before you try to help those around you. We are far more effective when we tend to what we need first – and then think about how we can help others.
Take some time to determine your “negotiables” and “non-negotiables” – what you are willing to accept in a relationship and where you draw a hard line. The “negotiables” are areas of your relationships where you are willing to compromise depending on the person or circumstances. That is, after all, the balance we are seeking – to be present, involved, and loving to those we care about, while ensuring our needs and desires are reasonably getting met.
Be Straightforward
When setting boundaries, be direct in your communication and ensure that your message gets across in a way that the other person understands. Passive aggressiveness or anger is not going to be helpful in these situations. For some, it can be very uncomfortable having these conversations, especially for those of us who rank high on the “agreeableness” scale of personality, but ultimately, stating the specific needs in a matter of fact way helps avoid blurring the lines of your expectations from the start.
Unyielding People and the Need to Detach
Hopefully, the people in our lives will respect the boundaries we set, but sometimes it must be recognized that some people will simply not accept these requests. In these situations it is helpful to remember that we are not able to control the thoughts, feelings, and actions of others, but we can control how we respond to them.
In some instances, you might reassess your boundaries in that situation – as stated above, some of your boundaries have high priority, while others can be negotiable…but it is you who determines this based on your needs. In situations where someone is absolutely unwilling to respect your boundaries, consider the idea of loving detachment. In short, this approach is about having realistic expectations of what that person is willing to do for the relationship, and adapting your interactions with them accordingly. These changes are not done out of spite or ill-intent, they are done out of respect, love, and peace for all involved, though not everyone will recognize that.
For those who are particularly hurtful, limiting contact (or no contact at all) might be the only way to respond. Again, this is not to “punish” those around us, it is taking control where we can to minimize pain and suffering – it is a form of self-care. The idea of minimizing or stopping contact can be difficult to fathom, and even more painful to put into place – after all, it is likely that you care for this person. Loving detachment doesn’t mean you no longer care about them – instead it is about seeing the relationship for what it is, being realistic about what it can be, and taking action to restore balance and peace in your life.
Matthew A. Webster, MA, MS, ED.D, LPC
Martin Counseling, PLLC in Katy, TX.
Dr. Matt Webster is a professional educator, nutritionist, and therapist located in the Houston, Texas area. He specializes in couples therapy, sexuality, and maladaptive eating patterns with a focus on the role of nutrition. More About Matt >>
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