Relationship Fatigue – COVID 19
The COVID-19 pandemic has forcibly changed many of our routines – some of the changes have put us in difficult situations, while others have given us the opportunity for connection we otherwise might not have. Finally, time for reconnecting with those we care about the most…until all that togetherness gets a little overwhelming.
The frustration that can arise from being in the same space with the same people far more than what is typical is understandable, normal, and expected. We are certainly a social species, where frequent encounters with one another is needed and is healthy, but there is a balance to be had. The precise proportion of time spent with specific individuals will differ for each of us, but when it is off-kilter, we can each sense a level of tension building up within that may get expressed in hurtful ways.
The first step in these situations is to acknowledge that this frustration and tension is happening, and to understand that it is okay – no need to feel guilty. Instead, let’s consider the “whys” behind what is going on, and what we can do about it.
Stressors
In addition to the “regular” stressors we dealt with in the past, COVID-19 has added an entire new level – this is experienced in every layer of our social infrastructure. We have additional stress originating from our jobs, the impact of isolation from some of our friendships and relatives, and the ramifications of spending a lot more time with those in our own household. As much as we may care about one another, we need our own space and our own time.
Even for those who are living with others, but especially for those who live alone, there is a growing sense of isolation – we aren’t seeing all the friends and family members as regularly as we were, and many of the routines we depended on are gone or significantly modified. Social media and shared online activities can aid in the bridging of that chasm, but that in of itself could be problematic in how it might make us feel after scrolling through storylines of what others are doing that we are not.
Action Steps
Starting with the internal needs of the self, work to carve out your own space in the home. Depending on the household situation, some may have access to their own room, others may need to dedicate a small area of a room, while others may even have to take their private space to a location outside. Regardless, having our own area where we can retreat for private time is an important part of creating a healthy balance of meeting internal and external needs. Not only does this provide a safe space for calming down when things get tense, it is also used to create needed “time cushions” between regular interactions with each other.
Next, it’s important that we are real about how we are feeling with daily situations and with each other. These concerns should not be bottled up but instead talked about in productive ways. This is not a time to attack, name call, question one another’s personal characteristics and qualities, but instead to share concerns and to listen to and be heard by one another. Even if it isn’t something that can be “fixed”, being heard and understood helps us feel closer and more at peace. Of course, this isn’t limited to what is bothering us, but is also a time for us to express positive feelings and to point out our appreciation for those around us. Ultimately, let’s give each other the benefit of the doubt when tempers flare and attitudes “need adjusting” – let’s keep the bigger picture in perspective and focus on what really matters.
Communication challenges are often found not in the specific content, but in the delivery. Keep in mind that statements that begin with “you” often lead down a rabbit hole of anger and resentment because the person may immediately go into defense mode with the perception of an accusation. It is useful to begin with “I”, and only speak for ourselves and not for the other. It is also helpful in a disagreement to recognize out loud the role we might play – maybe there is some truth to what the other is saying…acknowledge those truths, or at least acknowledge that their concerns are heard. If what has been said has gone “too far”, then allow each other the time to step away from the discussion and return to it later when each has calmed back down. Once we are at that point of emotional flooding and aggravation, continuing the discussion is often counterproductive.
Keep in mind that through it all, conflict is a normal part of any relationship – it in of itself is not the problem…problems arise from how the conflict is handled.
Matthew A. Webster, MA, MS, ED.D, LPC
Martin Counseling, PLLC in Katy, TX.
Dr. Matt Webster is a professional educator, nutritionist, and therapist located in the Houston, Texas area. He specializes in couples therapy, sexuality, and maladaptive eating patterns with a focus on the role of nutrition. More About Matt >>
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